"Deal with it!!!!!"

OK, we’ve covered, “Get over it.”  How about, “Deal with it.”

Usually when I hear that phrase what is really being said is – yeah, you got it, “Get over it!”

But, dealing with “it” is exactly what we need to do.  De-Nile is a river in Egypt.  Denial is never healthy – actually, denial is destructive.

But, how do we deal with things – especially big things, traumatic things.

First, we have to accept that they happened.

Second, we have to accept that they are not without possible lasting effects.

Third, we have to accept that some of those effects are not good.

Fourth, we have to accept that dealing with “it” may take more resources than just us.

Fifth, we have to got to work.

It is not the trauma that has to be dealt with, it’s the effects of the trauma.  The trauma, usually, is an event of limited duration.  It “happens,” then it’s over.  But like a stone thrown into a still pool it causes ripples. The bigger the stone, the bigger the ripples.  Ever fill the bathtub just to find out, once you get in, that you overfilled it? 

Here are my thoughts of “dealing with it.”

First, what are the effects of it?  The broader or more intense the effects the more resources you need to deal with it.   You need to seek the counsel of someone who knows what they don’t know.  Huh?  OK, you’ve experienced a trauma.  You’ve lost your appetite, you have trouble sleeping and you are easily irritated.  Mmmmmm.  I don’t think the “coffee group” is the resource for this.  Perhaps your Pastor?  Well, only if he knows when issues are beyond his ability to address or he knows what he doesn’t know.  Many Pastors are bible scholars more than they are Pastors.  They have little experience dealing with a lot of the really icky stuff of life.

Unfortunately many think that because they’re Pastors they ought to have all the answers.  They (we) don’t!  We have some of the answers, answers within a narrow but critical area but you wouldn’t come to us if you were coughing up blood would you?  Or if you broke your finger?

OK, I’ll admit I’m spoiled.  I am fortunate to have a good relationship with some really good mental health professionals who are believers first and foremost. Over the years I have learned from them how to detect problems that may be beyond my ability to address without their skills in the mix.

So, I have no hesitation sending folks to them.  The reason is that if they don’t think the sheep I send them needs their help, they’ll say so and provide me with more insight so I can be more effective.  Also, if they have a sheep that has issues in my area of professional expertise, they send them to me.  We know our knowledge and skills overlap but we recognize and appreciate the unique knowledge and skills we bring to the table.

Having said that I would consider hauling out the big guns first.  See a counselor (psychiatrist/psychologist/licensed mental health professional).  You have nothing to lose.  Yeah, it costs so bucks but if their assistance is needed it is needed asap. 

You may want to seek out a professional MH professional who is a “believer.”  But, remember, a fish or a cross on their Yellow Pages ad does not mean they’re a believer as you understand it.  So you need to consider going in with a list of questions about their faith.  Yeah, you do.

The term “Christian” has become so meaningless in our culture that even some who deny the biblical teaching concerning sin and salvation claim to be Christian.  Yeah, you’re going to want to determine, as best you can, if they are indeed a believer as you understand it.  It won’t be comfortable and it may even be unpleasant but it is your $$$.

Now – remember this.  They don’t determine if you need to see them, you do.  That means you really have to demand value for your $.  ASK QUESTIONS!  Challenge (not oppose) their insights.  You want to leave that office well enough informed to make the best decision possible.

Do not accept what may sound like psycho-babble with a nod of the head.  Make sure they explain what they are saying to your satisfaction.  You are not a car in for an oil change!  You’re not a wounded kitty going to the vet.  Do not act like one!  Make them earn every penny  ;-).

You have to keep in mind that as a follower of the Christ all of your life takes place within those boundaries.  If you select a counselor who either does not respect that or does not agree with that you may have some unpleasant bumps later on.

Let me also say this.  I know a couple of non-Christian MH professionals who are not believers that I would be OK with recommending.  Why?  Because although they do not share our faith, they respect it and actually want to work within it with their counselees.  Oh, they have a real learning curve but they are willing to climb that curve.

However – if they attack or blow-off your faith – there is a serious problem.

Now don’t forget your other resources.  Your Pastor, family, friends, etc..  Don’t exclude them.  But if what you are dealing with is too much for some of them, let them exclude themselves.  It’s not that they don’t want to care or that they don’t care – it just may be a case of – well – it’s too much for them.  Let them care from a comfortable place.

Also – remember, this is about you not about your circle of family and friends.  They, to some degree or other, can HELP but they can’t be responsible for you – only alongside you.  They can only be responsible for what they can do with and for you – not what you need to do.

You also need to remember that only God can do what only God can do.  That leaves a lot of room for your active involvement.  I deal with depression.  I have prayed that it would go away.  It’s still here.  OK.  So I pray not that I can live an effective life for Him with depression.  I do what I can do and leave what only He can do to Him.  So far, it seems to be working very well.

Now, in terms of medications.  Don’t be afraid.  A good MH professional will suggest or recommend trying different medications but you’re the one that has to tell him or her if and how they are working.  A friend of mine and I take different meds.  He can’t mine, I can’t take his.  We learned that by working closely with our doctors.  He had to try three different meds.  I only had to try two.  But we both knew that WE had to evaluate the usefulness of the meds and that there is NO magic pill!

Now, about your walk with Him.

First, pray!  TALK to Him about what happened and what is happening.  Ask for His comfort, guidance and provision.  Tell Him all your thoughts and feelings – even the messy ones.  Tell Him about your pain and fear and anger.  Who better to dump all this on?  He can take it!  Don’t try to form some deep petition that you hope He’ll hear.  Let is all come out!  He knows anyway – he’s not going to be shocked or dismayed – he is going to understand – really.

Second, study!  Sure, reading the Word is always good but once when I was really struggling all I read just seemed to make it worse.  I was doing a willy-nilly type of reading.  What you want to do is read for substance.  What is the word saying and what do I do with it?  You also ought to consider reading some serious books about the faith.  Not your cotton-candy fluff that is so readily available.  John Newton, John Owens, Richard Baxter , John Frame are just a few of the guys I turn to.  It’s serious stuff but walking with Him, especially when we are struggling is serious.  What you don’t need is a pat on the head – you need good solid information in your head.  Bottom line, no matter what you’re going through it is primarily about and between you and HIM.  Bad theology can only make it worse – trust me.

Third, do good stuff!  Yeah, I know, that takes motivation – well at least to do a lot of it.  But do what you can do.  Help at a shelter, clean the church restrooms, send a friend a card – but don’t let yourself get stagnant in your service.  No, you probably won’t “feel” like doing it and when you do it you probably won’t “feel” better.  But worship is service is worship – don’t stop worshipping/service.  Don’t stretch yourself too far – but “do” something.

NOTE:  Do not forget you are His.  He MADE you His.  NOTHING can separate you from His love.  What you are going through is painful and scary – duhhhh.  But He knows that and He still has something for you to do for His glory – even if – especially if – it’s hard.  Accept that you are where He wants you to be to do what He has for you to do.  I know – that’s a tough pill to swallow.  But, He isn’t Santa Claus.  This world is not our home. 

One verse helps me when I’m struggling.

Eph 2:10  For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Notice this is sole conditional on Him.  It does not speak any “ifs” about me.  I can be Bi-Polar, Clinically Depressed, Obsessive Compulsive – whatever – and still this verse is true  I may not see the effects of the work he has for me, I may not know exactly what it is but I KNOW, no matter what my condition or circumstance that this verse is always, utterly true.

Whether we spring, run, jog or crawl on our bellies following Him is following Him.  Whether we do it 24/7/365 or once a month he has work for us to do and we will do it as we trust Him.

Finally, resist the Devil.  Oh yeah, he’s out there too.  He wants you to wallow in your struggle.  He wants you to stop in your following. If he can just divert our attention from Him, the devil is happy.  He’ll throw a lot at you – some of it from shocking and disappointing directions – just resist – say “NO!? to every thought and feeling that opposed the truth.  Don’t argue or debate – just say “NO!”  Stick your fingers in your ears and say LA LA LA LA LA LA LA  -------- every time he tries to feed you his lies.

Remember – you are only as OK to the degree that Jesus is you Savior and Lord – and He is totally Savior and Lord.  Regardless of our struggles, behavior, aberrant thoughts or our sin, He is totally your Savior and Lord. 

Hope this helps – if you have any questions or comments PLEASE let me know.

Michael

"Get over it." --???????__

“They need closure.”

“They need to get over it.”

“They need to put it behind them.”

“They need to forgive and forget.”

“They need to leave it with the Lord.”

ETC……..

These are well meant comments I hear with great regularity.  As I counsel with folks and work with those in their circle, statements like this pop up.

Unfortunately these are usually statements of ignorance, frustration, irritation, etc...

What do they mean?

When you get to the bottom of it, they usually mean:

“I’m really tired of dealing the X X X and their problem(s).”

Let me make myself clear.

Human beings NEVER “get over” a traumatic event.  Never!

Now let me be equally clear about traumatic events.

If someone mugs you, it’s traumatic.  But it’s a single even, over in moments.  If someone degrades, embarrasses, abuses – (or whatever) you to a mild degree over an extended period of time that is traumatic as well.

Which would you rather have happen?  Would you rather be cut bellybutton to throat in one fail swoop or would you rather be subjected to one inch cuts every five second for three days?  Neither – right?

Traumatic events can be sudden and brief or they can be subtle and extended over time.

OK?

Well, one NEVER “gets over” it!  One can but deal with the effects and learn to live with them.  Oh, they (the effects) may not be as obvious over time but they are always there.  We call them wounds, of which, some become scars.

If someone is in a car accident and is seriously injured and the injury is traumatic we usually don’t expect them to “get over it.”  Why would we expect that of emotional/mental/spiritual trauma?  That’s just cruel.

I’m afraid of heights.  I wasn’t always afraid of heights.  I am afraid of heights because my dad got great pleasure out of sticking me on high things and making me get down myself.  Trees, refrigerators, buildings, mountains; it didn’t matter.  Usually I got down by simply making good use of gravity (falling).  Then I was punished for (1) falling and (2) crying right after the sudden deceleration.

Now, when faced with heights I sweat and shake and have to fight wetting myself because heights = falling = pain = crying = punishment.  OK, they don’t mean that anymore but try and convince my mind of that.  I’ve never “gotten over” the trauma or its effects.  I deal with it.

What I mean by “deal with it” is that I accept it.  Oh, I ride elevators, fly in planes and even stand on mountaintops – I don’t like to, I don’t ever want to – but I do.  And, the whole time I’m terrified.  I know when I have to fly somewhere that I’m going to be terrified.  Take off and actually flying isn’t as bad a landing (a friend told it was just a controlled crash).  During the landing I don’t breathe.  I may be able to breathe, I don’t know, but I do know I don’t.

Now, having had one’s father torment (torture??) one with heights (not to mention snakes, wilderness trips, fencing foils, etc.) over a period of years is NOT as traumatic as rape, incest, beatings, etc., so how could we ever be so cruel as to ask survivors of this to “get over it.”

We have the right and obligation to encourage them to “deal with it,” but we have to appreciate that unless they are able to step into utter denial, “getting over it,” is just not on.

Survivors (once the trauma is over you’re not a victim you’re a survivor) need to deal with their trauma.  That’s necessary for learning to live with the scars (effects).  Survivors have stuff to deal with.  I liked the Tom Hanks movie Cast Away but I wish they’d done a better job of showing us the difficulty he would have had once he was back in civilization.  That final scene with him sitting in the car at a crossroad in the middle of nowhere is powerful. 

A survivor of a trauma is a totally different person after the trauma.  Those who seem to be little or even un-affected scare me.

It’s 9-11-01.  I’m at assisting in a training session.  News comes from New York.  TVs begin to appear and people begin to gather.  We stand and watch.  People moan and gasp and cry.  People begin to run to phones.  Names began to be spoken of friends and even family that work in the Towers.

People are traumatized.  Me?  I’m standing there watching, feeling nothing.  Why?  Because when I was very young I was in a shopping center when it was bombed.  The bomb went off about 50 feet from where we were.  Fortunately is went off around a corner.  I still dream of that day.  Not the boom or the flash but the silence immediately after and the dust & dirt as it fell back to the ground shining in the sun.  I dream of the people running, bleeding screaming (although I couldn’t hear them).  I remember the ashen-ness of everyone’s skin from the dust and dirt. 

My “scar” from that trauma was numbness.  Like a wound that has been poorly stitched up, nerve-endings no longer connected.  I “dealt” with the trauma but it’s obvious to me I never “got over it.”

No, we usually don’t say one of the little statements above because we’re concerned about the survivor.  We usually say them because we’re tired of dealing with the effects of their trauma.

I cannot for the life of me ever understand (and maybe I refuse to)  how people who claim to be servants of God could be compassionate and caring towards someone with terminal cancer and yet get irritated and frustrated by someone with clinical depression.  I can’t, for the life of me, understand how people who claim to be in Christ can be so tender and loving and patient and giving to the survivor of a terrible car accident and then be so insensitive towards the survivor of rape or incest.

I guess, and yeah this is a confession, that while I was growing up very few people (very very few) ever acknowledged the trauma my sister and I suffered.  My sister and I live with the effects of not only the trauma but the denial of the trauma every day.  (Yeah, we’re both pretty wacko in our own lovely unique ways.)

It was not until I began to work with folks and share my experiences that I was told how traumatic my life had been.  See, it all seemed normal to me.  It was happening; no one said anything so it had to be OK right?  What a shock it was to find out it was a very unhealthy life.  I never knew. 

I’ll never forget falling through a roof (long story) and being locked behind a gate in a storage space.  I’m sitting there battered and bruised and bleed from a really nice head wound and my father is outside the gate berating me for crying.  I was 6.

I’ll never forget slipping on the wet stoop and busting my head open and it taking three hours to convince my mother I was injured and needed to go to the hospital.  Her response?  She was angry that she had to leave work.

Maybe that’s why I get so very provoked when I hear people say stupid, insensitive, cruel things like those listed above. 

Let me share it this way.  I know it seems like this is all about me but I really can’t share the stories of those I shepherd.  So, it’s just easier to share from my own life. 

I was working in an eraser plant one and a machine I was using blew up.  When it did it all but cut off my right little finger.  I calmly walked over to the supervisor, blood all over me, my finger dangling and asked --- asked --- if I could go to the hospital.  I was totally calm and collected – of course everyone else went nuts.

Why was I calm and collected?  Because when this type of thing happened when I was a child it was just better to keep it to myself.  Not make a fuss.  Not upset anyone.

I guess this is why, when I hear or see a survivor being told or being expected to “get over it,” I can just restrain myself from Gibbs Smacking someone.

Let me just close with this.  I there is a survivor in your life and you find yourself just wanting them to “get over it,” I suggest you move on.  You’re not good for them – actually you’re just picking the scab, making the wound worse.  Go away!!!!

If you’re a survivor and there’s someone in your live who wants you to “get over it,” you need to move on.  They are not good for you, they’re just prolonging the healing process.  Drop them.

Good intentions count for little.  Most of the atrocities committed in this sick world are done with good (albeit warped) intentions.  Yeah, I used the word atrocities.  That’s how I see it when survivors are expected to “get over it.”  That is atrocious hence atrocity.

Someone shared with me the title of a book or article (I can’t remember which) but the gist of the title was “Christians shoot their wounded.”  I wish they did – at least then it would be over.  But I prefer “Christians eat their wounded,” because what they are doing is atrocious and I had to find an expression that matched the atrocity. 

“God loves you – now go away!”  “You are a dearly beloved child of God, now get over it.” 

“You are a part of the Body of Christ but you’re one of the “nasty bits” so stay in the shadows.”

“Deal with it!”   Whether you survived a trauma or you are walking with someone who has, “deal with it!”  Look it straight in the eye and by His power, deal with it.  Accept it, appreciate it, give it its due, even honor it.  It is a part of the survivor’s “who.”  It is part of God’s work in His world, according to His plan and purpose for that person for His glory.  If it isn’t then it’s meaningless and he ain’t much of a loving God.

OK – so I’m getting earthy.  Job knew his circumstance stunk – he made no effort to conceal he didn’t like them.  He was miserable and he didn’t pretend he wasn’t.  He accepted, appreciated, gave it its due and honored the stinky circumstances he was in BUT he did not curse God.  He may have kinda cursed everyone else – and his circumstances – but he never cursed God.

OK, shoot me – but I really do believe that when we shun our survivors, when we reject walking with them no matter how messy, we are, in some way, denying Him.  Now I know for some of us walking with them needs to be at a distance – maybe a serious distance – but we can walk with them at a distance. 

It’s not that we need to take responsibility for them or with them.  We need to take our responsibility concerning them and examine our minds and hearts.  What none of us can do is dismiss them with, “Get over it.”  We are in them, they are in us, we are all in Him – so dealing with it is a task laid at all our feet.

Rant now concluded – thank you!!!

bruised reeds - a ministry of ec4v12

“bruised reeds” quite simply is a pastoral ministry to men and women who are dealing with circumstances, issues and/or conditions that are constant, constricting and conflicting.

These are men and women who are seeking professional help with their circumstances and also desire to live out their faith as fully, effectively and joyfully as they can.

“bruised reeds” actually began as part of the after-care component of the WINGS treatment program at Charter Hospital. 

Fundamental to “bruised reeds” is the assurance found in 2 Peter 1:2&3

May grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, (2Pe 1:2-3)

“bruised reeds”  DOES four things.

And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.   (1Th 5:14)

ADMONISH = “warn”	the idle = “irregular/unruly”
ENCOURAGE = “admonish in order to incent’” calm & console	the fainthearted = “puny souled”
HELP = cleave to/hug/hold	the weak = “infirm”
BE PATIENT	with all

But as for you, teach what accords with sound doctrine.   (Tit 2:1)

Michael Sanders. BTh, MA, QRAT

336-549-2081

ms@ec4v12.org

Newsletter/Blog  http://community.icontact.com/p/ec4v12?in=all

http://dontgiveupthesheep.blogspot.com/

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The second Wednesday of each month.

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Love 5 NOT LOVING

NOT LOVING

1John 2:15-17 

Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.  (16)  For all that is in the world--the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions--is not from the Father but is from the world.  (17)  And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.

Culture – culture – culture – culture . . . . . . . . .

Wow – we’re really concerned with our “culture.”  Why?

This is a strong statement but – well, “I could not care less!”

Why do we feel so deeply about our culture?  It’s all gonna burn anyway. 

We talk of “Christian America” but that can only apply to Christians who also happen to be Americans. 

We talk about entertainment, education, etc., as though they were the enemy.  They are not.  They are neutral.  It is what is done with and through them that is the issue.

Eph 6:12  For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

Hello????  Anybody home???

1John 5:19  We know that we are from God, and the whole world lies in the power of the evil one.

To say, “The world is going to hell in a hand basket,” is correct.

There is us and there is them.  We are not them and they are not us.  They are under the dominion of the devil; we are under the Lordship of the Redeemer.

Why are we sooooooooooooo  focused on the culture?  There is nothing going on in the “world” that has not been going on since the Fall.  Why are we getting so worked up about it to the detriment of our growth in Him?

Are we so astonished that the unbelieving world which is under the control (temporarily) of “the rulers, the authorities, the cosmic powers over this present darkness, the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places,” is vile and getting more vile every second?

Are we “called,” and “commissioned,” to change it?  I’m gonna have to have chapter and verse on that!

When did the church quit following all the “one anothers” in the Scriptures and get so hung up on fighting the culture? 

We have three “adversaries,” the world, the flesh and the devil.

We are to be “in” and not “of” the world.

We are to battle the flesh.

We are to resist the devil.

It seems to me that we find it awfully convenient to fight a war against the world while paying little attention to the flesh and the devil.  We tend to ignore/excuse the flesh and poo-poo the devil.

It is a three pronged circumstance.  Two adversaries without and one adversary within.

Fundamentally, we are called to be holy.  Period.  Our goal is:

Eph 4:12-16  to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ,  (13)  until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ,  (14)  so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes.  (15)  Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,  (16)  from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.

However, examine the books in a “Christian” book store, listen to “Christian” radio, watch “Christian” TV.  Is what we find there what we see in Eph. 4?

We, individually and collectively, are to be growing more like Him.  Are we?  Or are we so focused on sin that we have forgotten to grow in saintliness?  Are we so absorbed with our individual little soap boxes that we are missing the mission?  Are we so distracted by culture that we have forgotten Christ-likeness?

We are to “make disciples.” 

Does it not concern you that while our brothers and sisters in totalitarian countries strive to live for Him, we strive to force our beliefs on everyone else? 

What does “in” not “of” the world look like? 

Jesus said that where our treasure is so is our heart.  What does that it mean when we expend so great a treasure in effort, time and money opposing sin in the world? 

It is very clear to the world what we stand against.  We scream it from the roof tops.  What is not clear is what we stand for.  We love the specks – we avoid the logs.  We use the Word as a mirror for the world when it is to be a mirror for us alone.

We take political and philosophical and scientific positions; we entrench and wage a defensive battle against whatever and whoever does not agree with our belief.  Why?  What can they do to the believer?

Oh, I remember; it’s about the future of the culture.  Well, the future of the culture is very very clear in scripture.  Are we called to stop it?  Hinder it?  Only in so far as we make disciples!

We are called to be light – actually having been called we ARE light.  Light doesn’t “do” anything to dispel darkness – that is simply its nature.   The light can be dim or bright but it does what it does.  Our “light” should be gaining brightness – but we have somehow misplaced the switch, bought baskets too.  We are more concerned with opposing the darkness than we are with being light in the darkness.

2Co 10:3-5  For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh.  (4)  For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds.  (5)  We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,

Certainly we need to be aware of the sin in and of the world/culture.  But that awareness should be directed at “taking thought captive to obey Christ.”  Also, we are commanded to make disciples.

We are not the conscience of the world, though our presence should positively affect it.  But, when we cry out against injustice and evil we have to be very clear that it is from a position as believers and is solely supported by the Word of God. 

Someone mentioned the Scopes Monkey Trial the other day.  We lost that one.  Why?  Because truth was spoken to a lie and the lie (evidences presented for evolution) was believed where Scripture was not.  Given time the lies that survived the Scopes Trial became the Holocaust and that lie survives today in the idea of abortion being OK and euthanasia being an acceptable alternative (not to mention all the genetic stuff which some hope to use as justification for  euthanizing embryos and those who don’t have a “good” quality of life).

We, the Church, must be faithful to the faith and our calling.  It just seems to me that in taking the fight to the culture we have left our back door unguarded.  Folks are slipping out and folks are slipping in.

The Church is another name for the Kingdom of God here and now.  We are to live in that Kingdom under His Kingship.  Where are we told to attack that other Kingdom?  Where are we told to take the fight to them?

I’m sorry if this offends.  But it just seems to me that the Church has gotten side-tracked, diverted, even distracted from her purpose.  Culture, for me, is just another way of saying, “not the church.”  For me, the lines have been disastrously blurred.  We may not have lost our first love but we have abandoned our great commission.

Many believers have indeed been called to address the culture.  I don’t dispute that.  But addressing the culture separated from the purpose (the Great Commission) is vain. 

The “world” is passing away.  We need to make disciples and wave bye-bye.

Loving 4B "Our unlovables . . .

To love one who is, for whatever reason unlovable is never an easy thing – it it always a hard, hard thing.  It takes work – mental, emotional, spiritual and sometimes physical work.

Remember the word family for anger?

The word translated “angry” is οργιζεσθε  orgizesthe its family follows:

οργίζω   orgizō

Thayer Definition:

1) to provoke, to arouse to anger

2) to be provoked to anger, be angry, be wroth

It is related to:

οργή  orgē

Thayer Definition:

1) anger, the natural disposition, temper, character

2) movement or agitation of the soul, impulse, desire, any violent emotion, but especially anger

3) anger, wrath, indignation

4) anger exhibited in punishment, hence used for punishment itself

4a) of punishments inflicted by magistrates

And

ορέγομαι  oregomai

Thayer Definition:

1) to stretch one’s self out in order to touch or to grasp something, to reach after or desire something

2) to give one’s self up to the love of money

And

ορος  oros

Thayer Definition:

1)    a mountain

I find it helpful to keep in mind that the word “mountain” is part of that family.  Loving someone who is hard to love is very much like climbing a mountain.  Now, I’m not much of a mountain climber but I’ve “clumbed” a few.  There are some things we need to consider when we undertake to climb a mountain.

The mountain has challenges and dangers.

We have strengths and weaknesses.

We have to measure our strengths and weaknesses against the challenges and dangers of the mountain.  We have to consider them individually and then comparatively. 

We also have to accept and appreciate that climbing the mountain may well involve pain and fear.

But, climb the mountain we must – for Him.

What do we bring to the mountain?  This is critical.  We’re not going to change the mountain.  But we can change ourselves. 

The key question is, “How can I climb this mountain.”  “How can I love this person?”

Some mountains we are not equipped to climb.  We have to move on.  Some mountains we can only climb taking a well-considered route. 

“How?” is the critical issue and it must be based upon the mountain and our strengths and weaknesses.  So, most of our thoughts (and prayers) need to be about us, not the mountain.  Only God can change a mountain.

Why is it so hard for ME to love this person?  What is the pain, the fear?  We must examine our hearts and minds to gain an understanding of these dynamics.  I am the one who is hurt or afraid, why?  Where does it come from? 

Think on this:

Psa 118:6  The LORD is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?

Neat verse – and true.  But notice it ends in a question and that question is of equal significance as the assertion is.  The LORD is indeed on our side but man can indeed do something to me.  It is this that causes fear and pain (or it can be that the fear and pain has already been caused).  Here are the challenges and dangers of the mountain. 

We are all too often prone to decide what we won’t do concerning our unlovables and this is a great mistake.  “I won’t let them get to me,” is a common commitment as is “I won’t take it anymore.”  But these are of no value.  The same is true of, “I won’t let them see me cry,” and “I won’t let them make me mad.”

You have to decide what you will do.  Loving is active – even pro-active.  If you don’t have your “I will do(s)” you’ll simply do what you’ve always done or worse, do something you’ll regret.

Yeah, this is all more about you than it is about them.  You can’t change the mountain.

One thing you can do – and yes it is loving – is to pass on climbing the mountain.  Maybe you don’t have to!  “Oh,” you say, “but it’s family.”  So?  It is better to not have anything to do with someone who provokes you than to make yourself available to receive their sin.  Actually it is a blessing to remove from them the temptation to sin against you.  For some reason you have become the target of their venom – the target of their sin.  It is a kindness – and it is loving – to remove that temptation.

Oh, it’s not easy – never – but there are those situations where it is completely correct.  If there is a situation/person in your life that consistently sins against you then remove that temptation (yourself) from the situation.  In doing that you are honoring God and loving the person.

Yeah, it won’t be comfortable and it will feel like they won but that is not the idea.  If the relationship has become a competition of whether or not they “get you” then the relationship needs to end.  Period.  Don’t play with them anymore!

But what about:

Mat 5:23-24  So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you,  (24)  leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.

I may be going out on a limb here (I don’t think so) but Jesus is talking about a legitimate grievance your “brother” may have.  If there has been a rupture in a relationship and you can restore the relationship, you are obligated to do so.  But, if this brother has something against you that is not legitimate, how do you restore that?  If they, for whatever reason, have singled you out to be mean to, how do you restore that? 

No, I believe Jesus is speaking about a legitimate complaint that you can and should deal with.

We are to be kind, respectful, courteous and sometimes that means being absent.  If, “Every time I get around X X X they are (mean, cruel, dismissive, rude, critical, etc.) to me,” then I suggest you greatly reduce the time you get around them!  You can’t change the mountain!

Haven’t you made yourself nutz trying to please, appease, get the approval of, thwart the meanness of, etc., this person?  Haven’t you struggled long enough with, “What have I done?” or “What’s wrong with me?”  Haven’t you exhausted yourself too often trying to figure out how to get them to be nice?

Mikey-ism “When you’ve done all you can, you are done.”  

You can’t change the mountain.

Just a quick thought.  If it seems that your presence provokes an individual to bad behavior is it not mean of you to put them in that situation?  Could that be a sin on your part?  OUCH!!!  I know that’s a little tough but you wouldn’t buy an alcoholic a case of whiskey nor would you get someone struggling with sex issues a subscription to Hustler.  And you don’t buy an anorexic Ipecac or a diabetic a chocolate Easter bunny.

No, you are not to blame for their behavior just like none of the above is to blame for those conditions.  But if someone is provoked by your presence and have proven that they will use any opportunity to take a shot, move the target.  It’s really an act of love – really.

Rom 12:18  If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

Loving 4A "Our unlovables . . .

Loving 4A  "Our unlovables . . .

You know who I mean.  These are folks who for some reason make the hair stand up on the back of your neck.  You see them and your stomach does flip-flops.  Personally, I tend to growl, at which point Patti gives me an elbow.

These are the folks for whom you just can’t conjure up loving feelings.  Perhaps you even struggle to subdue sinful feelings.  They may not be “enemies” but they certainly aren’t “friends.” 

I like the word “provoke.”  When I am around these folks I have a sense of being provoked, prodded, poked.  Something about them or something in the relationship just does not click.  Not only does it not click but it’s like fingernails on a blackboard.  Sometimes even thinking about them pushes the “provoked” button.  So, we “make nice,” until we just have to leave. 

OK, the first mistake we have made is to think we have to have warm fuzzy happy feelings towards everyone.  That’s not love.  Yes, affection is a part of “luv” but the love we’re called to have for others (all others) does not require affection for them.  So, quit trying to have warm fuzzies and start learning to love.

Huh?

Let me belabor the concept of Biblical love.  We irritate the goobers out of God and yet He loves us.  God, being so much more able than we are, is able to have affection for us – even when we make Him crazy.  We,on the other hand, struggle with sin – ours and others – so we have more in the mix and it’s not good stuff.

Those who are “our unlovables” are unloveable (no affection) for a reason.  Note: a reason is not an excuse.  We are not called to have warm fuzzies for the abuser, maligner, critic or condemner. 

We respond/react to these people with, well, anger.  But, and this is my perspective, anger is a secondary thing.  I have never known a person (even me) to be angry if there was not some  pain and/or fear underlying it.  It may not be that I am hurt or afraid for myself but the hurt/fear is there.

So, in order to protect myself, I get angry.  I could list some folks that I get angry about just thinking about them.  Notice I didn’t say they “make” me angry.  They “make” me afraid or hurt – I use anger as a wall (or a stick) to keep them at a distance.

Paul tells us:

Eph 4:26-27  Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,  (27)  and give no opportunity to the devil.

The word translated “angry” is οργιζεσθε / orgizesthe its family follows:

οργίζω   orgizō

Thayer Definition:

1) to provoke, to arouse to anger

2) to be provoked to anger, be angry, be wroth

It is related to:

οργή  orgē

Thayer Definition:

1) anger, the natural disposition, temper, character

2) movement or agitation of the soul, impulse, desire, any violent emotion, but especially anger

3) anger, wrath, indignation

4) anger exhibited in punishment, hence used for punishment itself

4a) of punishments inflicted by magistrates

And

ορέγομαι  oregomai

Thayer Definition:

1) to stretch one’s self out in order to touch or to grasp something, to reach after or desire something

2) to give one’s self up to the love of money

And

ορος  oros

Thayer Definition:

1)    a mountain

Are you getting a picture of this? 

A related term is found in the OT.

כּעס  kaas;

a prim. root; to be vexed or angry: - anger (3), angry (4), demoralized *(1), make me angry (1), provoke (5), provoke him to anger (2), provoke me to anger (8), provoke them to anger (1), provoked (7), provoked him to anger (2), provoked me to anger (2), provoked the to anger (1), provoked to anger (1), provoking (7), provoking him to anger (2), provoking me to anger (4), provoking the to anger (1), spite (2), trouble (1), vexation (1), vexed (1).

Deu_4:25  Deu_9:18  Deu_32:21  1Sa_1:6  1Sa_1:7  1Ki_16:33  2Ki_14:10  2Ki_22:17  2Ch_25:19  2Ch_34:25  Job_12:6  Isa_65:3  Jer_7:18  Jer_25:6  Jer_25:7  Jer_32:29  Jer_32:30  Jer_32:32  Jer_44:8  Eze_8:17  Eze_16:26 

We are “provoked” (hurt or scared) and we respond with anger.  It is NOT unnatural.  I’d even go so far as to say that being provoked is not a sin.  BUT there’s sin connected in there somewhere.  Paul tells us we will be provoked/angered but that we are not to let it ferment.  When we are provoked/angered we are to NOT SIN.

Now I don’t believe this means we can just go through life being provoked and as long as we don’t sin, it’s OK.  We have to deal with what’s going on inside of us that facilitates the provocation.

Stop - look back at the definitions and consider those "unlovables" in your life.  What's the "provocation?"

More later . . . . 

Michael