"Deal with it!!!!!"

OK, we’ve covered, “Get over it.”  How about, “Deal with it.”

Usually when I hear that phrase what is really being said is – yeah, you got it, “Get over it!”

But, dealing with “it” is exactly what we need to do.  De-Nile is a river in Egypt.  Denial is never healthy – actually, denial is destructive.

But, how do we deal with things – especially big things, traumatic things.

First, we have to accept that they happened.

Second, we have to accept that they are not without possible lasting effects.

Third, we have to accept that some of those effects are not good.

Fourth, we have to accept that dealing with “it” may take more resources than just us.

Fifth, we have to got to work.

It is not the trauma that has to be dealt with, it’s the effects of the trauma.  The trauma, usually, is an event of limited duration.  It “happens,” then it’s over.  But like a stone thrown into a still pool it causes ripples. The bigger the stone, the bigger the ripples.  Ever fill the bathtub just to find out, once you get in, that you overfilled it? 

Here are my thoughts of “dealing with it.”

First, what are the effects of it?  The broader or more intense the effects the more resources you need to deal with it.   You need to seek the counsel of someone who knows what they don’t know.  Huh?  OK, you’ve experienced a trauma.  You’ve lost your appetite, you have trouble sleeping and you are easily irritated.  Mmmmmm.  I don’t think the “coffee group” is the resource for this.  Perhaps your Pastor?  Well, only if he knows when issues are beyond his ability to address or he knows what he doesn’t know.  Many Pastors are bible scholars more than they are Pastors.  They have little experience dealing with a lot of the really icky stuff of life.

Unfortunately many think that because they’re Pastors they ought to have all the answers.  They (we) don’t!  We have some of the answers, answers within a narrow but critical area but you wouldn’t come to us if you were coughing up blood would you?  Or if you broke your finger?

OK, I’ll admit I’m spoiled.  I am fortunate to have a good relationship with some really good mental health professionals who are believers first and foremost. Over the years I have learned from them how to detect problems that may be beyond my ability to address without their skills in the mix.

So, I have no hesitation sending folks to them.  The reason is that if they don’t think the sheep I send them needs their help, they’ll say so and provide me with more insight so I can be more effective.  Also, if they have a sheep that has issues in my area of professional expertise, they send them to me.  We know our knowledge and skills overlap but we recognize and appreciate the unique knowledge and skills we bring to the table.

Having said that I would consider hauling out the big guns first.  See a counselor (psychiatrist/psychologist/licensed mental health professional).  You have nothing to lose.  Yeah, it costs so bucks but if their assistance is needed it is needed asap. 

You may want to seek out a professional MH professional who is a “believer.”  But, remember, a fish or a cross on their Yellow Pages ad does not mean they’re a believer as you understand it.  So you need to consider going in with a list of questions about their faith.  Yeah, you do.

The term “Christian” has become so meaningless in our culture that even some who deny the biblical teaching concerning sin and salvation claim to be Christian.  Yeah, you’re going to want to determine, as best you can, if they are indeed a believer as you understand it.  It won’t be comfortable and it may even be unpleasant but it is your $$$.

Now – remember this.  They don’t determine if you need to see them, you do.  That means you really have to demand value for your $.  ASK QUESTIONS!  Challenge (not oppose) their insights.  You want to leave that office well enough informed to make the best decision possible.

Do not accept what may sound like psycho-babble with a nod of the head.  Make sure they explain what they are saying to your satisfaction.  You are not a car in for an oil change!  You’re not a wounded kitty going to the vet.  Do not act like one!  Make them earn every penny  ;-).

You have to keep in mind that as a follower of the Christ all of your life takes place within those boundaries.  If you select a counselor who either does not respect that or does not agree with that you may have some unpleasant bumps later on.

Let me also say this.  I know a couple of non-Christian MH professionals who are not believers that I would be OK with recommending.  Why?  Because although they do not share our faith, they respect it and actually want to work within it with their counselees.  Oh, they have a real learning curve but they are willing to climb that curve.

However – if they attack or blow-off your faith – there is a serious problem.

Now don’t forget your other resources.  Your Pastor, family, friends, etc..  Don’t exclude them.  But if what you are dealing with is too much for some of them, let them exclude themselves.  It’s not that they don’t want to care or that they don’t care – it just may be a case of – well – it’s too much for them.  Let them care from a comfortable place.

Also – remember, this is about you not about your circle of family and friends.  They, to some degree or other, can HELP but they can’t be responsible for you – only alongside you.  They can only be responsible for what they can do with and for you – not what you need to do.

You also need to remember that only God can do what only God can do.  That leaves a lot of room for your active involvement.  I deal with depression.  I have prayed that it would go away.  It’s still here.  OK.  So I pray not that I can live an effective life for Him with depression.  I do what I can do and leave what only He can do to Him.  So far, it seems to be working very well.

Now, in terms of medications.  Don’t be afraid.  A good MH professional will suggest or recommend trying different medications but you’re the one that has to tell him or her if and how they are working.  A friend of mine and I take different meds.  He can’t mine, I can’t take his.  We learned that by working closely with our doctors.  He had to try three different meds.  I only had to try two.  But we both knew that WE had to evaluate the usefulness of the meds and that there is NO magic pill!

Now, about your walk with Him.

First, pray!  TALK to Him about what happened and what is happening.  Ask for His comfort, guidance and provision.  Tell Him all your thoughts and feelings – even the messy ones.  Tell Him about your pain and fear and anger.  Who better to dump all this on?  He can take it!  Don’t try to form some deep petition that you hope He’ll hear.  Let is all come out!  He knows anyway – he’s not going to be shocked or dismayed – he is going to understand – really.

Second, study!  Sure, reading the Word is always good but once when I was really struggling all I read just seemed to make it worse.  I was doing a willy-nilly type of reading.  What you want to do is read for substance.  What is the word saying and what do I do with it?  You also ought to consider reading some serious books about the faith.  Not your cotton-candy fluff that is so readily available.  John Newton, John Owens, Richard Baxter , John Frame are just a few of the guys I turn to.  It’s serious stuff but walking with Him, especially when we are struggling is serious.  What you don’t need is a pat on the head – you need good solid information in your head.  Bottom line, no matter what you’re going through it is primarily about and between you and HIM.  Bad theology can only make it worse – trust me.

Third, do good stuff!  Yeah, I know, that takes motivation – well at least to do a lot of it.  But do what you can do.  Help at a shelter, clean the church restrooms, send a friend a card – but don’t let yourself get stagnant in your service.  No, you probably won’t “feel” like doing it and when you do it you probably won’t “feel” better.  But worship is service is worship – don’t stop worshipping/service.  Don’t stretch yourself too far – but “do” something.

NOTE:  Do not forget you are His.  He MADE you His.  NOTHING can separate you from His love.  What you are going through is painful and scary – duhhhh.  But He knows that and He still has something for you to do for His glory – even if – especially if – it’s hard.  Accept that you are where He wants you to be to do what He has for you to do.  I know – that’s a tough pill to swallow.  But, He isn’t Santa Claus.  This world is not our home. 

One verse helps me when I’m struggling.

Eph 2:10  For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Notice this is sole conditional on Him.  It does not speak any “ifs” about me.  I can be Bi-Polar, Clinically Depressed, Obsessive Compulsive – whatever – and still this verse is true  I may not see the effects of the work he has for me, I may not know exactly what it is but I KNOW, no matter what my condition or circumstance that this verse is always, utterly true.

Whether we spring, run, jog or crawl on our bellies following Him is following Him.  Whether we do it 24/7/365 or once a month he has work for us to do and we will do it as we trust Him.

Finally, resist the Devil.  Oh yeah, he’s out there too.  He wants you to wallow in your struggle.  He wants you to stop in your following. If he can just divert our attention from Him, the devil is happy.  He’ll throw a lot at you – some of it from shocking and disappointing directions – just resist – say “NO!? to every thought and feeling that opposed the truth.  Don’t argue or debate – just say “NO!”  Stick your fingers in your ears and say LA LA LA LA LA LA LA  -------- every time he tries to feed you his lies.

Remember – you are only as OK to the degree that Jesus is you Savior and Lord – and He is totally Savior and Lord.  Regardless of our struggles, behavior, aberrant thoughts or our sin, He is totally your Savior and Lord. 

Hope this helps – if you have any questions or comments PLEASE let me know.

Michael