Sometimes others can't give us the grace we need.
We're different. we have very low lows and very high highs or maybe we do things that they see as strange.
They feel overwhelmed, insufficient, challenged and even repelled.
They feel they can't handle us and "our thing."
Of course then can't. Heck, we can't. We feel the same way they do, but they don't get that part.
So what can we do? The only thing I've found that keep my between the lines is to give the grace they don't seem to be able to.
I give that grace to them and to myself.
For me, depression and all that means is NORMAL. For them it isn't
For me the ups and downs (or downs and downers) is me.
They want to fix it. It frightens them. It ought to. I want to fix it. It frightens me.
My depression is irritating - sometimes downright infuriating but it's there and it's not going away.
Try this sometime. Put a smudge of ash or dirt on your face. Not a big one but one that is visible. Then note people's reactions. Some will ignore it. Most will either wipe if away or tell you about it so you can. We aren't supposed to have smudges on our faces or unbuttoned buttons of mis-buttoned buttons or sock that don't match. But at some time or other we do - and this bothers people.
I had a friend from New Zealand - he was different. He'd wear stripped pants, a paisley shirt and a checkered coat He wasn't making a fashion statement, he was just wearing clothes. To us it was a fashion catastrophe. To him is was not going naked. People often commented that someone should teach him how to dress - but he was dressed.
Supposed to be -----. that is a ridiculous idea. If you're depressed you're suppose to be bummed out, feel hopeless, have anxiety. Just like if you're tall you're supposed to look down on short people.
I'm tired, and I'm sure a lot of you are, of people not realizing that I'm OK - just depressed. Sometimes I'm real depressed but I'm still OK. I've been real depressed before and I'm still here.
I don't like - but I do understand and appreciate- other people being anxious about my being depressed. I think they take it and themselves too seriously but I do understand. So I give them the grace they are not yet able to give me. It kind of puts me in a position to feel a little more in control of my relationships. I'm not the poor depressed guy that needs their sympathy. I'm the depressed guy who is saddened by their anxiety and who wishes they'd let me help them overcome it.
We seem to forget, to our injury, that manure is just organic fertilizer. It smells bad, we don't want to step in it or touch it but farmers spread it all over the food we will eat to make it grow. Let their manure be your fertilizer.
I'm gracious and understanding of their kindly meant cruelty. You know, that's when they say things like, "Get a grip on yourself." "cheer up," and "it will be ok." My favorite is , "I can't handle your depression." Like I can????? Or, when they say, "I can't understand why>," As though I do? It's that sense we get that they think we're struggling with our condition just to make them suffer.
Ever notice what you get when you have a room full of depressed, anxious or OCD people? My experience is that if you can get these folks to talk about "the others," you get laughter. All of a sudden those who don't struggle with our conditions seem nuts. Of course we all know depression, anxiety, OCD etc. is contagious - right? ;-}
Give them the slack they can't give you. If they can't handle it and go away it's not about you - it's about them. Of course they'll want to make it about you - but just be gracious and let them go. It will hurt for a while - but soon enough you'll feel a sense of relief because the pressure is off - they are just one more bag of expectations off your back.
Michael
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