"Get over it." --???????__

“They need closure.”

“They need to get over it.”

“They need to put it behind them.”

“They need to forgive and forget.”

“They need to leave it with the Lord.”

ETC……..

These are well meant comments I hear with great regularity.  As I counsel with folks and work with those in their circle, statements like this pop up.

Unfortunately these are usually statements of ignorance, frustration, irritation, etc...

What do they mean?

When you get to the bottom of it, they usually mean:

“I’m really tired of dealing the X X X and their problem(s).”

Let me make myself clear.

Human beings NEVER “get over” a traumatic event.  Never!

Now let me be equally clear about traumatic events.

If someone mugs you, it’s traumatic.  But it’s a single even, over in moments.  If someone degrades, embarrasses, abuses – (or whatever) you to a mild degree over an extended period of time that is traumatic as well.

Which would you rather have happen?  Would you rather be cut bellybutton to throat in one fail swoop or would you rather be subjected to one inch cuts every five second for three days?  Neither – right?

Traumatic events can be sudden and brief or they can be subtle and extended over time.

OK?

Well, one NEVER “gets over” it!  One can but deal with the effects and learn to live with them.  Oh, they (the effects) may not be as obvious over time but they are always there.  We call them wounds, of which, some become scars.

If someone is in a car accident and is seriously injured and the injury is traumatic we usually don’t expect them to “get over it.”  Why would we expect that of emotional/mental/spiritual trauma?  That’s just cruel.

I’m afraid of heights.  I wasn’t always afraid of heights.  I am afraid of heights because my dad got great pleasure out of sticking me on high things and making me get down myself.  Trees, refrigerators, buildings, mountains; it didn’t matter.  Usually I got down by simply making good use of gravity (falling).  Then I was punished for (1) falling and (2) crying right after the sudden deceleration.

Now, when faced with heights I sweat and shake and have to fight wetting myself because heights = falling = pain = crying = punishment.  OK, they don’t mean that anymore but try and convince my mind of that.  I’ve never “gotten over” the trauma or its effects.  I deal with it.

What I mean by “deal with it” is that I accept it.  Oh, I ride elevators, fly in planes and even stand on mountaintops – I don’t like to, I don’t ever want to – but I do.  And, the whole time I’m terrified.  I know when I have to fly somewhere that I’m going to be terrified.  Take off and actually flying isn’t as bad a landing (a friend told it was just a controlled crash).  During the landing I don’t breathe.  I may be able to breathe, I don’t know, but I do know I don’t.

Now, having had one’s father torment (torture??) one with heights (not to mention snakes, wilderness trips, fencing foils, etc.) over a period of years is NOT as traumatic as rape, incest, beatings, etc., so how could we ever be so cruel as to ask survivors of this to “get over it.”

We have the right and obligation to encourage them to “deal with it,” but we have to appreciate that unless they are able to step into utter denial, “getting over it,” is just not on.

Survivors (once the trauma is over you’re not a victim you’re a survivor) need to deal with their trauma.  That’s necessary for learning to live with the scars (effects).  Survivors have stuff to deal with.  I liked the Tom Hanks movie Cast Away but I wish they’d done a better job of showing us the difficulty he would have had once he was back in civilization.  That final scene with him sitting in the car at a crossroad in the middle of nowhere is powerful. 

A survivor of a trauma is a totally different person after the trauma.  Those who seem to be little or even un-affected scare me.

It’s 9-11-01.  I’m at assisting in a training session.  News comes from New York.  TVs begin to appear and people begin to gather.  We stand and watch.  People moan and gasp and cry.  People begin to run to phones.  Names began to be spoken of friends and even family that work in the Towers.

People are traumatized.  Me?  I’m standing there watching, feeling nothing.  Why?  Because when I was very young I was in a shopping center when it was bombed.  The bomb went off about 50 feet from where we were.  Fortunately is went off around a corner.  I still dream of that day.  Not the boom or the flash but the silence immediately after and the dust & dirt as it fell back to the ground shining in the sun.  I dream of the people running, bleeding screaming (although I couldn’t hear them).  I remember the ashen-ness of everyone’s skin from the dust and dirt. 

My “scar” from that trauma was numbness.  Like a wound that has been poorly stitched up, nerve-endings no longer connected.  I “dealt” with the trauma but it’s obvious to me I never “got over it.”

No, we usually don’t say one of the little statements above because we’re concerned about the survivor.  We usually say them because we’re tired of dealing with the effects of their trauma.

I cannot for the life of me ever understand (and maybe I refuse to)  how people who claim to be servants of God could be compassionate and caring towards someone with terminal cancer and yet get irritated and frustrated by someone with clinical depression.  I can’t, for the life of me, understand how people who claim to be in Christ can be so tender and loving and patient and giving to the survivor of a terrible car accident and then be so insensitive towards the survivor of rape or incest.

I guess, and yeah this is a confession, that while I was growing up very few people (very very few) ever acknowledged the trauma my sister and I suffered.  My sister and I live with the effects of not only the trauma but the denial of the trauma every day.  (Yeah, we’re both pretty wacko in our own lovely unique ways.)

It was not until I began to work with folks and share my experiences that I was told how traumatic my life had been.  See, it all seemed normal to me.  It was happening; no one said anything so it had to be OK right?  What a shock it was to find out it was a very unhealthy life.  I never knew. 

I’ll never forget falling through a roof (long story) and being locked behind a gate in a storage space.  I’m sitting there battered and bruised and bleed from a really nice head wound and my father is outside the gate berating me for crying.  I was 6.

I’ll never forget slipping on the wet stoop and busting my head open and it taking three hours to convince my mother I was injured and needed to go to the hospital.  Her response?  She was angry that she had to leave work.

Maybe that’s why I get so very provoked when I hear people say stupid, insensitive, cruel things like those listed above. 

Let me share it this way.  I know it seems like this is all about me but I really can’t share the stories of those I shepherd.  So, it’s just easier to share from my own life. 

I was working in an eraser plant one and a machine I was using blew up.  When it did it all but cut off my right little finger.  I calmly walked over to the supervisor, blood all over me, my finger dangling and asked --- asked --- if I could go to the hospital.  I was totally calm and collected – of course everyone else went nuts.

Why was I calm and collected?  Because when this type of thing happened when I was a child it was just better to keep it to myself.  Not make a fuss.  Not upset anyone.

I guess this is why, when I hear or see a survivor being told or being expected to “get over it,” I can just restrain myself from Gibbs Smacking someone.

Let me just close with this.  I there is a survivor in your life and you find yourself just wanting them to “get over it,” I suggest you move on.  You’re not good for them – actually you’re just picking the scab, making the wound worse.  Go away!!!!

If you’re a survivor and there’s someone in your live who wants you to “get over it,” you need to move on.  They are not good for you, they’re just prolonging the healing process.  Drop them.

Good intentions count for little.  Most of the atrocities committed in this sick world are done with good (albeit warped) intentions.  Yeah, I used the word atrocities.  That’s how I see it when survivors are expected to “get over it.”  That is atrocious hence atrocity.

Someone shared with me the title of a book or article (I can’t remember which) but the gist of the title was “Christians shoot their wounded.”  I wish they did – at least then it would be over.  But I prefer “Christians eat their wounded,” because what they are doing is atrocious and I had to find an expression that matched the atrocity. 

“God loves you – now go away!”  “You are a dearly beloved child of God, now get over it.” 

“You are a part of the Body of Christ but you’re one of the “nasty bits” so stay in the shadows.”

“Deal with it!”   Whether you survived a trauma or you are walking with someone who has, “deal with it!”  Look it straight in the eye and by His power, deal with it.  Accept it, appreciate it, give it its due, even honor it.  It is a part of the survivor’s “who.”  It is part of God’s work in His world, according to His plan and purpose for that person for His glory.  If it isn’t then it’s meaningless and he ain’t much of a loving God.

OK – so I’m getting earthy.  Job knew his circumstance stunk – he made no effort to conceal he didn’t like them.  He was miserable and he didn’t pretend he wasn’t.  He accepted, appreciated, gave it its due and honored the stinky circumstances he was in BUT he did not curse God.  He may have kinda cursed everyone else – and his circumstances – but he never cursed God.

OK, shoot me – but I really do believe that when we shun our survivors, when we reject walking with them no matter how messy, we are, in some way, denying Him.  Now I know for some of us walking with them needs to be at a distance – maybe a serious distance – but we can walk with them at a distance. 

It’s not that we need to take responsibility for them or with them.  We need to take our responsibility concerning them and examine our minds and hearts.  What none of us can do is dismiss them with, “Get over it.”  We are in them, they are in us, we are all in Him – so dealing with it is a task laid at all our feet.

Rant now concluded – thank you!!!