Luke 9:23 ESV
And he said to all, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.
"AND follow me"
Consecutive? Concurrent?
How do we read this admonition? Is it steps? One big "happening?"
Can we "follow" Him without His call? Without self-denial? Without daily taking up our cross?
His call makes me His. "It is finished." But even though His work is finished for me it is not finished in me. The denial and the taking up are both part and parcel of the journey - the following of Him.
At least in my experience they are.
Everyday I find that I forget that I am His and not my own. Perhaps I do that because I know that such a surrender may result in a loss of comfort and ease in my life here. Perhaps I am afraid of that loss to too great a degree. Perhaps I am yet too attached to me and my material ease and comfort. Well - we both know there is no "perhaps" in it. There is little question of my attachment and my struggle with it.
A poor man can be proud and possessive of his poverty. He can cling to and depend upon what little he has and hoard it jealously. He can clasp it in an iron hand refusing to let God remove it so that it might be replaced. He indeed has a "death grip" upon what little he has.
The rich man may cling to all he has just a passionately as the poor man clings to his little.
But for most of us there is a middle place. We will "give up" just so much before we begin to balk and sulk. I know I do. I find that I cling to too much even if it's just a little. That "little" is mine and as long as it is, I think I am OK. Of course, that in itself shows me that I have a long way to go.
Remember the poster of the kitten clinging to the limb? Remember the caption, "Just hang in there?" Well, that's where I find myself all too often. I'm clinging to the dubious security I have (the limb) and refusing so let it go so that I might trust Him. My "hanging in there" smacks too much of "hanging on to."
Now, on the other end of that stick is a "letting go" that's just as bad. It's a self-motivated letting go - a proud and resentful - "Well, just take it all then!" It's an angry and proud surrender (??) to God that really is no surrender at all. It is more of a throwing whatever I do have back into God's face. It isn't a pretty or a useful thing.
Paul wrote:
1 Timothy 6:6-8 ESV
Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment, [7] for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. [8] But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content.
So, there is no gain and perhaps even loss in godliness without contentment? Mmmm, Ouch! There certainly can be no true value in contentment without godiliness.
Ahhh but then there is vers 8. Food and clothing = content. Am I willing? I can say that, but will I accept that? Or, do I have a few other "buts," I'd like to throw in? Oh how I wish I didn't!!!! But, I know I do - even if I'm being very effective at not seeing them right now.
Here's my quandry. What, if anything (stuff, aspirations, feelings, associations, $), does God want me to give up? It is clear from the Gospels that following Him carried with it the very real potential of giving up stuff - but what do "I" need to give up?
Then, is it actually "stuff" He wants me to give up or is it an attitude, thought process, false belief, sinful fear---------? I think of Job and I shiver. Job has got me beat hands down! Yet in his loss he struggles with everything but trusting God. It's almost viscseral to read, "Even if He kills me, I will trust in Him."
Maybe the struggle is between having everything we want and being dead. I feel like a petulant child fussing over surrendering toys I haven't played with in ages - "Well just take it all - all of it - I don't want any of it. Why don't you just kill me?"
Wow - are you as suprised at the depth of my shallowness as I am? And you know what's even more disturbing? So far I haven't "lost" anything. Oh, we can see potential even probable loss looming ahead of us but so far - we really haven't "lost" anything we've noticed.
Ok - maybe that's not true. We have lost (or at least are losing - letting go of) trusting in others, even trusting in ourselves instead of Him. We have faced the fact that "chariots" are not the answer. We've lost that, "I'm counting on you," attitude towards others and ourselves. We've discovered that "faith" belongs only in Him - not in friends, associates - not even those with whom and for whom we've sacrifced and worked and prayed. "Chariots," can't work when the other option is Him. And making aliances with "Egypt" won't work ethier.
We, like so many of you, are waiting - or at least struggling to wait - upon Him to do what we should depend upon Him alone to do. We are getting to know the feeling David must have felt when those about him mocked asking, "Where's your God?"
Do you feel like the only answer to that mocking is, "I don't know." Or perhaps an overly cocky, "He is there." Or do you just pray no one asks you that quesiton?
Times are tough and I believe that especially for believers it will get tougher. Yes, I mean that in a material way but it will also be a tough time for our faith and our faithfulness.
Not naked and not starving. If that's what He has for me will I be faithful in it? Right now, all I can say is that I want to be - I hope to be - but I will not do it by my own ability or power. So, like many many of you, I sit and pray and wait, fighting myself to trust only in Him.
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