Why wait till I'm dead?

Some of the letters of John Newton were published after he went "home."  These have always been a true blessing to me and I have often wondered how many more would have been blessed had they been published in his life-time.  But - He is sovereign.


I believe that if we are without practical applications for the beliefs we hold then holding those beliefs is, well, frustrating and just bad.  But we have long surrendered the true meaning of disciple and have found quick fix programs and seminars more to our liking.  This is a fact I mourn and well, despise.  So we're gonna do some disciple training here - intermittently, intimately and dynamically. 


The following set the circumstances and presents some of the problems.  Join in - jump in.  The catalyst for doing this has been prayer, conviction and Richard Sibbes' book, The Soul's Conflict With Itself.  Walk with us but remember, ministry is messy.  If this is not your cup of tea just pass them by.

Come, walk with us ----

In most of the passages in scripture that deal with perseverance it is in relation to persecution and/or temptation.  At this point in our sojourn Patti and I are facing trials which have little to do with persecution or temptations are none the less frightening and pressing.  So I’ve chosen to do a little finger thinking and share with you what I am learning – or need to learn.  I can’t get more practical in my writing than that.

Of course, like it is for so many of you times are tough.  A recent serious decease in out income has put us in a tenuous (to say the least) positron.  As a tent-maker I have rarely sough the support of others although there have been and are some kind souls who have shared with us to help in meeting our needs.

Right now the temptation is to either fight or flee.   To either take the bull by the horns or just run away.  The desire to “fix” it is one of the biggest problems.  The flesh in it’ incessant bid for control conjures up all kind of schemes and ideas and vaporous imaginings.  It also encourages one to rail at God and others about how we’ve served and not we suffer (OK – it feels like suffering but that is relative).

The temptation to cry out “Where are you?” both to God an others is very strong but from the bitterness and arrogance I can detect underneath that impulse it is very clear it is from the flesh.  He and others have been there.  He and some are still there.  But when one has a sense of drowning, rational reflection is very very difficult.

Another temptation is to be over burdened with blame.  To play the, “I should have…” game on myself.  The thoughts that had I only stayed in law enforcement or if I had only gone on in  my education to be a psychologist/counselor haunts me.  I look back at the decision to take up the ministry I believed I was called to and have feelings of shame and guilt.  Being the head of my household just makes it worse.

Then there is the lovely thought (sarcasm) that Patti would be better off without me and that if she’d just move and live with some of her family her life would be better.  She certainly deserves better.  She has sacrificed and is firm in her conviction that we (that is I) have done the right thing and that I should continue.  But the little voices tell me she loves me and want to encourage men and that though this is sweet it’s just her being nice.

Of course then we have to figure in the embarrassment of what may come as well as the losses.  The potential losses aren’t so bad for us – we’ve got too much “stuff” and if we could have a monster yard sale I don’t think we’d miss much of what went.   As long as I don’t even consider selling Patti’s mom’s Chinese vases I’m safe ;-}.

Pride – pride has never been such a monster for me.  Harboring that silly thought that somehow I am in charge and this shouldn’t be happening and all that “stuff” steals precious moments from each day keeping me from prayer and study and writing. 

Then there’s that slithery thought that I have been wrong – very wrong in thinking that such a weird and chaotic ministry could ever have come from Him.  I await that invisible committee that comes with a chorus of either, “We could have told you..” or “We never thought it was a real “ministry” anyway – we just considered it your delusion – your error.”  And of course there’s that other comment/thought, “You should have gotten a REAL job.”

Yes, the flesh is alive and well in me.  Of course I knew that – I know that.  The hard part is to discern where the flesh is using truth to drive me more towards myself and from God. 

It’s kind of funny that I should have been reading Richard’s Sibbes’ work, The Soul’s Conflict With itself; And Victory Over Itself By Faith.  That’s the book I’ve made so many FB posts from.

I told Patti that had it not been for reading that book and the scriptures referenced I would have yielded to the flesh instead of resisting it.  I’ll share with you (more briefly than here) as we move through this time.  I hope to be candid and honest for your benefit and to help me see what’s going on in my heart and mind as well.

Sibbes wrote:  “Ignorance, being darkness, is full of false fears. In the night time men think every bush a thief.”  Sibbes, Richard (2012-04-24). The Soul's Conflict With Itself: And Victory Over Itself By Faith. (pp. 47-48). A Puritan At Heart Press. Kindle Edition.

So, with your indulgence, I’ll share with you as I work on dispelling the ignorance/darkness that my flesh seeks to impose and grow.

Your prayers are of course greatly desired.  Though your counsel, encouragement and consolation would be a great blessing please remember that in the dark, all cats are grey.

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved,

compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,

(Col 3:12)